The Project Gutenberg eBook of Widows grave and otherwise, by Various This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. Title: Widows grave and otherwise Author: Various Illustrator: A. F. Willmarth Compiler: Cora D. Willmarth Release Date: July 20, 2023 [eBook #71235] Language: English Credits: The Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WIDOWS GRAVE AND OTHERWISE *** [Illustration] WIDOWS GRAVE AND OTHERWISE “Widders are ’ceptions to ev’ry rule.” —Dickens. PURLOINED BY AN EX-WIDOW AND PICTURED BY A VICTIM PUBLISHED BY AN IMMUNE [Illustration: A creature not too bright or good for human nature’s daily food. —Wordsworth.] [Illustration] WIDOWS GRAVE AND OTHERWISE COMPILED BY CORA D. WILLMARTH ILLUSTRATED BY A. F. WILLMARTH COPYRIGHT, 1903 BY PAUL ELDER AND COMPANY PAUL ELDER AND COMPANY PUBLISHERS, SAN FRANCISCO Be to her virtues very kind; Be to her faults a little blind. —Prior. [Illustration: TAURUS.] January First Widows, like ripe fruit, drop easily from their perch. —Bruyere. January Second Wedlock’s like wine,—not properly judged of till the second glass. —Douglas Jerrold. January Third The Spaniards have it that a buxom widow must be either married, buried, or shut up in a convent. —Haliburton. January Fourth Frailty, thy name is woman! a little month, or ere those shoes were old with which she followed my poor father’s body, like Niobe, all tears:—why she, even she, married with my uncle. —Shakespeare. January Fifth To marry once is a duty, twice a folly, thrice is madness. —Dutch Proverb. January Sixth Mrs. President has disposed of six husbands and is to take a seventh: being of the opinion that there is as much virtue in the touch of a seventh husband as of a seventh son. —Addison. January Seventh I praise th’ saints I niver was married, though I had opportunities enough when I was a young man, an’ even now I have to wear me hat low whin I go down be Cologne Street, on account iv the widow Grogan. —Mr. Dooley. January Eighth Tush! herself knows not what she shall do when she is transformed into a widow. —Chapman. January Ninth Widows are such a subtle generation of people they may be left to their own conduct; if they make a false step, they are answerable for it to nobody but themselves. —Addison. January Tenth I have seen a widow that just before was seen pleasant enough, follow an empty hearse and weep devoutly. —Chapman. January Eleventh I’ faith, he’ll have a lusty widow now, That shall be wooed and wedded in a day. —Shakespeare. January Twelfth Here’s a small trifle of wives: alas,—eleven widows and nine maids, is a simple coming in for one man. —Shakespeare. January Thirteenth If for widows you die, Learn to kiss, not to sigh. —Charles Lever. January Fourteenth The widow Quick married within a fortnight after the death of her last husband. Her weeds have served her twice and are still as good as new. —Addison. January Fifteenth She was clever, witty, brilliant, and sparkling; but possessed of many devils of malice and mischievousness; she could be nice, though, even to her own sex. —Kipling. January Sixteenth A rogue met a pretty young Mrs., A widow, and stole a few Krs., And the lady, though she was astounded, Said she’d waive prosecution, If he’d make restitution, So the felony soon was compounded. —Philadelphia Press. January Seventeenth “Yes, he’s going to marry that rich widow. His debts were looming up dreadfully, and—” “I see. His marriage will be the finished product of the loom.” —San Francisco News Letter. January Eighteenth “Dear Joseph is dead. Loss fully covered by insurance.” —(Telegram) Tit Bits. January Nineteenth “Why for your spouse this pompous fuss? Was he not all his life your curse?” “True, but at length one single action Made up for each past malefaction.” “Indeed! what was the action, pray?” “Why, sir, it was,—he died one day.” —Exchange. January Twentieth Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. —Kipling. January Twenty-first But if the priest’s daughter be a widow, or divorced, and have no child, and is returned unto her father’s house, as in her youth, she shall eat of her father’s meat. —Bible. January Twenty-second But every vow of a widow and of her that is divorced shall stand against her. —Numbers xx:11. January Twenty-third Le Fiance. “Why have you not introduced me to your mother, darling?” La Fiancee. “Gerald, my mother is a widow, and I have lost two fiances to widows already.” —Life. January Twenty-fourth With all the experience of married life she has the sense of perfect freedom and irresponsibility; consequently her flights in flirtation are as daring as they are without fear or reproach. —Malcolm C. Salomon. January Twenty-fifth “So DeWolff Hopper is divorced and married again?” “Yes.” “Well, now I suppose the question is, is his former wife a grass widow or a grass Hopper?” —Life. January Twenty-sixth ’Tis safest in matrimony to begin with a little aversion. —Sheridan. January Twenty-seventh It sometimes happens that when a man fails in doing anything else well, he marries well. —Atchison Globe. January Twenty-eighth Whatever Rome may strive to fix, The sacraments are only six; For surely of the seven, ’tis clear Marriage and penance but one appear. —Proverb. January Twenty-ninth Lady Catherine Swallow was a widow at eighteen, and has since buried a second husband and two coachmen. —Addison. January Thirtieth Jerry, dying intestate, his relatives claim’d While his widow most vilely his mem’ry defam’d: “That’s no wonder,” says one, “for ’tis very well known, Since he married, poor man, he’d no will of his own!” —Burns. January Thirty-first The wives of hen-peck’d husbands most alwus outliv ther victims, and I hev known them to git marrid agin and git hold ov a man that time (_thank the Lord!_) who understood all the hen-peck dodges. —Josh Billings. [Illustration: GEMINI.] February First Her mourning is all make believe: ’Tis plain there’s nothing in it: With weepers she has tipp’d her sleeve, The while she’s laughing in it. —Burns. February Second The Lord will destroy the house of the proud: but he will establish the border of the widow. —Proverbs xv:25. February Third One said a rich widow was like the rubbish of the world, that helps only to stop the breaches of decayed houses. —Hazlitt. February Fourth Of course not every man who has been pursued by a widow was caught, and there are a number of thrilling, if slightly apochryphal, narratives of daring adventurers who have escaped the clutches of the dangerous creatures at the last minute. —Dorothy Dix. February Fifth Mrs. Pepperday. “My first husband had a great deal more sense than you have.” Mr. Pepperday. “True enough, he died.” —Harper’s Magazine. February Sixth “Take example by your father, my boy, and be wery careful o’ the widders all your life.” —Dickens. February Seventh Keep yourself from the tumult of the mob, from fools in a narrow way, from a man that is marked, and from a widow that has been thrice married. —Proverb. February Eighth Lawyer. “I can get a divorce without publicity for two hundred and fifty dollars.” Actress. “How much more will it cost with publicity?” —Judge. February Ninth A man that marries a widow is bound to give up smoking and chewing. If she gives up her weeds for him he should give up his weed for her. —Louisville Journal. February Tenth There is but one good excuse for a marriage late in life, and that is a second marriage. —Josh Billings. February Eleventh For it is better to marry than to burn. —I Cor. vii:9. February Twelfth “Ven you’re a married man, Samival, you’ll understand a good many things as you don’t understand now: but vether it’s worth while goin’ through so much to learn so little, as the charity boy said ven he got to the end of the alphabet, is a matter o’ taste.” —Dickens. February Thirteenth For as all widows love too well, She liked upon the list to dwell, And oft ripped up the old disasters. —Hood. February Fourteenth Sir Simon, as snoring he lay in his bed, Was awaked by the cry, “Sir, your lady is dead!” He heard, and returning to slumber, quoth he, “In the morn, when I wake, oh, how grieved I shall be!” February Fifteenth Thanks, my good friend, for the advice, But marriage is a thing so nice, That he who means to take a wife Had better think on’t all his life. February Sixteenth Why are those tears, why droops your head? Is then your other husband dead? Or does a worse disgrace betide, Hath no one since his death applied? —Gay. [Illustration: A rich widow is the only kind of second-hand goods that will always sell at prime cost. —Franklin.] February Seventeenth It pleased the Lord to take my spouse at last. I tore my hair, I soil’d my locks with dust, And beat my breasts—as wretched widows must: Before my face my handkerchief I spread, To hide the flood of tears I did—not shed. —Pope. February Eighteenth She. “I think I should like a widower after all.” He. “Very well; whom shall I marry first?” —Life. February Nineteenth May widows wed as often as they can, And ever for the better change their man; And some devouring plague pursue their lives, Who will not well be governed by their wives. —Dryden. February Twentieth Whilst Adam slept, Eve from his side arose: Strange! his first sleep should be his last repose! —Anonymous. February Twenty-first A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age. —Addison. February Twenty-second The widow is indigenous to all climes and wherever found is a source of aggravation to women and of danger to men. —Dorothy Dix. February Twenty-third Widows are indeed the great game of your fortune hunters. —Addison. February Twenty-fourth “Some day I’m goin’ to let me temper r-run away with me, and get a comity together, and go out an’ hang ivry dam widdy and orphan between the rollin’ mills an’ th’ foundlin’s home. If it wasn’t for thim raypachious crathers, they’d be no boodle annywheres.” —Mr. Dooley. February Twenty-fifth The widow Cross, I should have told, Had seen three husbands to the mould: The dear, departed Mr. Cross, Came in for nothing but his thirds. —Hood. February Twenty-sixth “She knows how to look out for number one.” “That is quite evident from the way she is looking out for number two.” —Smart Set. February Twenty-seventh Sum marry the second time to get even and find it a gambling game: the more they put down the less they take up. —Josh Billings. February Twenty-eighth The wife is bound by the law as long as the husband liveth. —I Cor. vii:39. February Twenty-ninth Remove thy way far from her and come not nigh the door of her house. —Proverbs. [Illustration: CANCER.] March First Woo the widow while she is in weeds. —Proverb. March Second Indeed, we were once in great hopes of his recovery, upon a kind message that was sent him from the widow lady whom he had made love to the last forty years of his life: but this only proved a lightning before death. —Addison. March Third One widow at a grave will sob A little while and weep and sigh! If two should meet on such a job, They’ll have a gossip bye and bye. —Hood. March Fourth “You are a marrid man, Mr. Young, I believe?” sed I. “I hev eighty wives, Mr. Ward. I certainly am marrid.” —Artemus Ward. March Fifth ’Tis dangerous marrying a widow because she has cast her rider. —Spanish Proverb. March Sixth “I _have_ heerd how many ord’nary women one widder’s equal to, in pint of comin’ over you. I think it’s five-and-twenty, but I don’t rightly know whether it an’t more.” —Dickens. March Seventh “As for the widders, anny healthy widdy with street car stock ought to be ashamed of hersilf if she’s a widdy long.” —Mr. Dooley. March Eighth That is why little widows are so dangerous: they not only know their own sex, but they know ours, too, and knowledge is power. —Malcolm C. Salomon. March Ninth The basis of the contemporary matrimonial decline, as most writers interpret it, is man. Man cannot very well be left out of marriage altogether without defeating some of its more important ends and impairing its results. —Edward Stanton Martin. March Tenth Easy or frivolous divorce is condemned and deplored, but the easily divorced are not excluded from the politest society. —Edward Stanton Martin. March Eleventh Onions can make heirs and widows weep. —Proverb. March Twelfth He who marries a widow will often have a dead man’s head thrown in his dish. —Proverb. March Thirteenth Divorce, with all its privileges and possibilities, must continue to be a second-rate bliss by no means comparable to true marriage. —Edward Stanton Martin. March Fourteenth “Mind that no widder gets a inklin’ of your fortun, or you’re done.” —Dickens. March Fifteenth Mrs. Biffery Biff. “You should be happy. You have such a kind husband.” Mrs. Quittem. “Yes; we are getting along splendidly, since we don’t live together.” —San Francisco Examiner. March Sixteenth A good occasion for courtship is when a widow returns from the funeral. —Proverb. March Seventeenth Second marriages receive much less universal consideration because comparatively few persons find themselves in a position where they have to reach a decision as to their expediency. —Edward Stanton Martin. March Eighteenth She was a little widow and was consequently a complete compendium of the art of love. —Malcolm C. Salomon. March Nineteenth She was a good lookin’ woman and had seen trouble. It stands to reason she had, with four husbands. Good land! —Josiah Allen’s Wife. March Twentieth Wooers and widows are never poor. —Ralph Roister Doister (1566). March Twenty-first Do, but dally not: that’s the widow’s phrase. —Barry. March Twenty-second “You know what counsel said, Sammy, as defended the gen’lem’n as beat his wife, with the poker, venever he got jolly: ‘And arter all, my Lord,’ says he, ‘it’s a amiable weakness.’ So I says respectin’ widders.” —Dickens. March Twenty-third Of course I wanted to marry the widow because she declared she would never marry again. —Malcolm C. Salomon. March Twenty-fourth The multi-widow. “A woman seldom finds that her husband is the same man she married.” —Brooklyn Eagle. March Twenty-fifth Why, if I had had two husbands, or even four, I should want to keep ’em apart sittin’ up in high chairs on different sides of my heart. —Josiah Allen’s Wife. March Twenty-sixth Disagreeable suspicions are usually the fruits of a second marriage. —Racine. March Twenty-seventh “Have you made your will?” asked the lawyer of the old colored citizen. “No, suh. I ain’ got nothin’ to leave ’cept one wife and de rheumatism.” —Atlanta Constitution. March Twenty-eighth It is only a widow who is wise enough to know that a jolly laugh in a woman is a bait to which a man will invariably rise as a trout to a fly. —Dorothy Dix. March Twenty-ninth Get a wife who has learned how to keep house on your predecessor, and is in no danger of giving you dyspepsia while she experiments with cooking school recipes. —Dorothy Dix. March Thirtieth “So they were divorced for incompatibility of temper?” “Yes; you see he had the incompatibility and she had the temper.” —Judge. March Thirty-first The shameless Chloe placed on the tombs of her seven husbands the inscription, “The work of Chloe.” —Martial. [Illustration: LEO.] April First Few persons turn grey because their husbands die. —Proverb. April Second He that’s married once may be pardoned his infirmity; He that marries twice is mad; But if you can find a fool Marrying thrice, don’t spare the lad, Flog him, flog him back to school. —Garrick. April Third Oh! a maid is sometimes charming, but a widow all the while. —Anonymous. April Fourth Disguise our bondage as we will, ’Tis woman, woman rules us still. —Moore. April Fifth One husband is worth two good wives: for the scarcer things are, the more they’re valued. —Benjamin Franklin. April Sixth I, Dionysius of Tarsus, lie here at sixty, having never married; and would that my father had not. —Greek Epitaph. April Seventh Once you are married there is nothing left for you, not even suicide, but to be good. —Robert Louis Stevenson. April Eighth “Didn’t you do well by your second marriage?” “Oh, yes indeed; the clothes of my wife’s first husband just fit me!” —Danbury News Man. April Ninth The lachrymose widow is one of those clinging vines that always gets there. —Dorothy Dix. April Tenth “Of course I am a widow. Sure, that poor little insignificant crayther of a husband is not worth mentioning.” —Irish Life. April Eleventh Old friend—“Was your daughter’s marriage a success?” Hostess—“Oh, a great success! She’s traveling in Europe on the alimony.” —New York Weekly. April Twelfth “No other man can ever fill poor John’s place. I loved him from the bottom of my heart.” “Of course; but you know there is always room at the top.” —Chicago Daily News. April Thirteenth A different cause, says Parson Sly, The same effect may give. Poor Lubin fears that he shall die, His wife—that he may live. —Poor Richard’s Almanac. April Fourteenth “There is more to be learned from one widow than from a whole Smithsonian museum of anthropology.” April Fifteenth Fijjit—“The widow says that her marriage to Gobang was secret.” Ijjit—“It must have been. Gobang himself did not mention a widow in his will, so he could not have known of the wedding.” —Life. April Sixteenth “Widows, gentlemen, are not usually timorous, as my uncle used to say.” —Dickens. April Seventeenth The good widow’s sorrow is no storm, but a still rain. —Fuller. April Eighteenth A woman deserted by one man has no remedy but to appeal to twelve. —Jerrold. April Nineteenth At the prospect of a cosy separation society would reach at last the condition of Rome as described by Seneca, when women computed their ages by the number of their husbands instead of by the years they had lived. —Matthews. April Twentieth “Jerome speaks of witnessing the funeral of a woman who was followed by her twenty-second husband to the grave, she having been his twenty-first wife.” April Twenty-first If you want a neat wife, choose her on a Saturday. —Poor Richard’s Almanac. April Twenty-second She—“They are the most wonderful compositions in the language.” He—“They don’t compare with Jack Harvey’s. Why, he wrote a letter of condolence to a widow and she took off her mourning immediately.” —Life. April Twenty-third Drying a widow’s tears is one of the most dangerous occupations known to man. —Dorothy Dix. April Twenty-fourth I told Martin when we’d first come to London, that I must see the Widder Albert whilst I was there. —Josiah Allen’s Wife April Twenty-fifth “Doctor, do you think my wife will recover?” “Oh, yes! I told her I already had a wife picked out for you in case she didn’t get well.” —Life. April Twenty-sixth Keep your eyes open before marriage; half shut afterwards. —Poor Richard’s Almanac. April Twenty-seventh Widow—“Yes, I have cremated three husbands.” Old maid—“It seems unfair. Here I’ve lived all these years and never have been able to get married to one man and you’ve had husbands to burn.” —Chauncey M. Depew’s Story. April Twenty-eighth “Better to have loved extensively than never to have loved at all.” April Twenty-ninth Agent—“Isn’t this stone a trifle small for a man of your husband’s prominence?” Widow—“No, sir! If Thomas thought a stone like that was good enough for his first wife, I guess it’s plenty good enough for Thomas.” —Life. April Thirtieth You can’t talk to a remarried woman at a dinner party about her first husband, especially if one of her subsequent husbands is present. —Edward Stanton Martin. [Illustration: VIRGO.] May First Divorce is the spice of life. —Life. May Second “We hated to tell you, but your drowned husband’s body has been found and it is covered with eels.” “Well,” sighed the widow, drying her eyes, “set him again.” —Chauncey M. Depew’s Story. May Third St. Peter (to first applicant)—“Were you married while on earth?” First Applicant—“I was; twice.” St. Peter—“Walk in. You deserve it.” —The Wasp. May Fourth The turf has drunk a widow’s tear, Three of her husbands slumber here. —Epitaph at Staffordshire. May Fifth Behold I have commanded a widow woman there to sustain thee. —I Kings xvii:9. May Sixth She—“Should you die, are you opposed to my remarrying?” He—“No. Why should I be solicitous about the welfare of a fellow I’ll never know?” —Life. May Seventh “Why did he get a divorce from his wife?” “She named the baby after the first husband.” —Life. May Eighth I asked her (who had buried twelve husbands): “At what time of life do you think the married state ceases to be preferable?” She replied: “You must ask somebody older than I am.” —Josh Billings. May Ninth A widow is like a frigate of which the first captain has been shipwrecked. —Alphonse Karr. May Tenth Widowhood is true freedom. —Mme. des Jardins. May Eleventh “So Mrs. Gaylord insists on a separation?” “Yes. She didn’t mind his neglect, but whenever he was a little good to her he was so very virtuous about it that she just couldn’t stand it.” —Harper’s Bazar. May Twelfth Easy-crying widows take new husbands soonest; there is nothing like wet weather for transplanting. —Oliver Wendell Holmes. May Thirteenth Mrs. Henpeck—“Now, suppose I should die.” Mr. Henpeck—“Good heavens! Is there any doubt about it?” —Life. May Fourteenth There are four hundred and fifty Revolutionary widows left. Here is a chance now for those men who pant for a wife of the good old days. —Danbury News Man. May Fifteenth Never marry a widow unless her first husband was hanged. —Proverb. May Sixteenth Widows secretly rejoice in the admiration of men, but indulge themselves in no further consequences. —Addison. [Illustration: Widows are a study you will never be proficient in. —Fielding.] May Seventeenth Women who have been happy in a first marriage are most apt to venture upon a second. —Addison. May Eighteenth Were I not resolved against the yoke Of hapless marriage never to be curs’d With second love, so fatal was the first, To this one error I might yield again. —Dryden. May Nineteenth How blessings brighten as they take their flight! —Young. May Twentieth From thousands of our undone widows, one may derive some wit. —Thomas Middleton. May Twenty-first For I have buried three husbands beside this man; and now I am no’ sure of no nother husband; and therefore ye may be sure I have great cause to be sad and heavy. —Hazlitt. May Twenty-second Here lies my wife: here let her lie! Now she’s at rest, and so am I. —Dryden. May Twenty-third Her waist was ampler than her life, for life is but a span. —O. W. Holmes. May Twenty-fourth Here’s to the maiden of bashful fifteen; Here’s to the widow of fifty. —Sheridan. May Twenty-fifth A Brookfield woman was completely unmanned by the loss of her husband. —Danbury News Man. May Twenty-sixth Women have a special antipathy to the blond widow, and when one crosses their path they sit down and throw up their hands and give up the game. —Dorothy Dix. May Twenty-seventh Why is a garden’s wildered maze Like a young widow, fresh and fair? Because it wants some hand to raise The weeds which have no business there. —T. Moore. May Twenty-eighth Fortune is like a widow won, And truckles to the bold alone. —Somerville. May Twenty-ninth “Suppose,” said a friend who had been reading Enoch Arden, “that you went away on a sea voyage and came back and found that your wife had married another man?” “That’s an absurd proposition. Henrietta would never be so careless as to let me go away on a sea voyage.” —Washington Star. May Thirtieth An Atchison girl will marry a widower with five hand-me-down children. —Atchison Globe. May Thirty-first A widow is a woman who has buried her husband; a grass widow is one who has simply mislaid hers. —Will M. Clemens. [Illustration: LIBRA.] June First Yet because this widow troubleth me, I will avenge her, lest by her continual coming she weary me. —Luke xviii:5. June Second Not even the immense labor of assimilating a new spouse’s relatives, appalling as it is, should hinder second marriages. —Edward Stanton Martin. June Third The rich widow cries with one eye and rejoices with the other. —Cervantes. June Fourth “There is one thing about my first husband I shall always respect him for,” she said. “What is that?” “He paid all the expenses of our divorce like a perfect gentleman.” —Life. June Fifth He that marries a widow and three daughters has three back doors to his house. —Spanish Proverb. June Sixth He that wooes a maid must never come in sight, But he that wooes a widow, must woo her day and night. —English Proverb. June Seventh In appearance the widow is extremely attractive, being smooth and sleek, of a jet black color, with snow white collar. It also possesses a most melodious purr, and though it has extra sharp claws, these are seldom visible. —Dorothy Dix. June Eighth Mrs. Manhattan—“The thirteenth husband is sure to be unlucky.” Mrs. Lakeside (pensively)—“I’ll have to skip that number and marry twins.” —New York Herald. June Ninth Misfortunes never come single; sometimes they come married. —Life. June Tenth “Doctor, I can’t get it out of my head that possibly my poor husband was buried alive.” “Nonsense,” snorted Dr. Peduncle, “didn’t I attend him myself in his last illness?” —Life. June Eleventh Scarcely less to be feared by the prudent, is the species of this interesting animal, which is known as the domestic widow. —Dorothy Dix. June Twelfth Little Clara (in an audible whisper)—“O nurse! I wish I had been born a widow instead of an orphan!” —Harper’s Monthly June Thirteenth Young widows are always charming. —Stowe. June Fourteenth Surely any good man who has one wife already would stay at home till moss accumulated on his scalp, rather than go gadding and take the chance of running against his affinity. —Edward Stanton Martin. June Fifteenth When a man is chased by a determined widow, it is a mere waste of shoe leather to run away from it. —Dorothy Dix. June Sixteenth You can’t imagine, sir, what ’tis to have to do with a widow. —Addison. June Seventeenth What objections there are to second marriages are almost exclusively sentimental. —Edward Stanton Martin. June Eighteenth Miss Jones (to Mr. Brown who has survived three wives)—“They must get kind o’ mixed up in heaven with so many Mrs. Browns about.” Mr. Brown—“Oh, no, I calculate not! You see they’re all different shades of Brown.” —Life. June Nineteenth The chief characteristic of the widow is its skill in bringing down its game. —Dorothy Dix. June Twentieth “For patient resignation, that widow lying there a corpse could dance all ’round any woman living.” —Danbury News Man. June Twenty-first By taking a second wife man pays the highest compliment to the first. —Johnson. June Twenty-second For many persons who have lost their mates prematurely, it is far better to find a new one, if that is possible, than to go through life alone. —Edward Stanton Martin. June Twenty-third And I caused the widow’s heart to sing for joy. —Job xxix:13. June Twenty-fourth If you are an unsophisticated widow—one whose husband is just dead—you will find that you can remain in your own home sixty days without paying rent. —Stowe. June Twenty-fifth I don’t feel at all sentimental; For women I care not a rap, But give me a jolly and gentle Rich widow in weeds and a cap. —Strong. June Twenty-sixth When they deal directly with widows, they want a class that knows nothing of business. —Stowe. June Twenty-seventh Then let him write her a bill of divorcement and give it in her hand and send her out of his house. —Deut. xxiv:1. June Twenty-eighth “Ah, sweetest one, may I be your captain and guide your bark down the sea of life?” “No. But you can be my second mate.” —Exchange. June Twenty-ninth One of the chief inducements to marry a widow is the conversation that ought to result from her enlarged experience of life. —Edward Stanton Martin. June Thirtieth “I celebrate June Thirtieth as Independence Day.” “Isn’t that a trifle early?” “It’s the day on which I secured my first divorce.” —Judge. [Illustration: SCORPIO.] July First “You say his wife’s a brunette? I thought he married a blonde.” “He did, but she dyed.” —Wrinkle. July Second A law by which a widow should not burn herself till she had conversed privately with a young man. Since that time not a single woman hath burned herself in Arabia. —Voltaire. July Third To the diplomatic widow, man is simply an open book. She plays upon his weaknesses as upon a harp with a thousand strings. —Dorothy Dix. July Fourth Widows are dangerous animals to be at large. —J. W. Stowe. July Fifth Wanted—A nice young girl of affectionate disposition willing to make a good-looking bachelor happy. Previous experience not necessary. —Wasp. July Sixth In buying a horse and taking a wife, Shut your eyes and trust God for your life. —Italian Proverb. July Seventh A Bunch of Cash, with figures not too Few, A Mine of Gold, a Government Bond or Two, And Youth and Beauty and Cupid ever near her, A Widow’s lot is not so Worse, think You? —Widow. July Eighth Drying a widow’s tears is an expensive luxury. —Dorothy Dix. July Ninth Wake! for the Son that scatters into flight The Sighs and Tears that make you such a fright, Drives them along, away, forever, and Knocks Your Widow’s mourning Higher than a Kite! —Widow. July Tenth Love makes time pass and time makes love pass. —Proverb. July Eleventh Divorce is necessary in advanced civilization. —Montesquieu. July Twelfth Woman, by nature, is a thing of change. —Petrarch. July Thirteenth They can show no mercy to the widow. —Barnich. July Fourteenth God has to me sufficiently been kind, To take my husband, and leave me here behind. —Anonymous. July Fifteenth Whoso has married once and seeks a second wedding, is a shipwrecked man who sails twice through a difficult gulf. —Greek Epigramme. July Sixteenth A mistress I’ve lost, it is true; But one comfort attends the disaster: That had she my mistress remained, I could not have called myself master. —Epigrammes Old and New. July Seventeenth He that marries a widow and three children marries four thieves. —Spanish Proverb. July Eighteenth Said Jan, twice wedded to a scolding wife, “Church-going’s the greatest pleasure of my life; ’Tis strange and sweet to see a man, oh, rare! Keep full five hundred women quiet there.” —Dutch Epigramme. July Nineteenth The greatest merit of some men is their wife. —Poincelot. July Twentieth There was a time when the ideal condition coveted by women who craved unlimited freedom, was that of a widow with one child. —Edward Stanton Martin. July Twenty-first Let no Mandalay in his effort to seize The Widows Three, or just one if he please, There are others, I know, quite Simla to these, And the diff’rence not one man in Seven Seas. —Widow. July Twenty-second Two consorts in heaven are not two, but one angel. —Swedenborg. July Twenty-third “Please take the medicine, wife, and I’ll be hanged if it doesn’t cure you.” “Oh, I’LL take it, then, for it is sure to do good one way or another.” July Twenty-fourth Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner. —Colton. July Twenty-fifth “It is never too late to wed.” July Twenty-sixth The cause of his death was a complication of diseases, madam. Widow—Ah! that was so like him! He was always versatile in everything. —The Wasp. July Twenty-seventh “You say Grace married into the smart set?” “Gracious, no; she was divorced into it.” —Baltimore Herald. July Twenty-eighth A young widow has established a pistol gallery. Her qualifications as a teacher of the art of dueling are of course undoubted. Has she not killed her man? —Louisville Journal. July Twenty-ninth “I have here one divorce notice and one marriage announcement,” said the editor’s assistant. “What caption shall I put on them?” “Run them together and head them “Breaks and Couplings,” replied the railway editor. —Exchange. July Thirtieth But when he called on Sally Brown To see how she got on, He found she’d got another Ben Whose Christian name was John. —Thomas Hood. July Thirty-first Widowhood grows yearly less necessary. —Edward Stanton Martin. [Illustration: SAGITTARIUS.] August First The giddy widow is an ever-present danger. —Dorothy Dix. August Second “Some men are awfully unfortunate. You remember Smith, whose wife died last year?” “Yes.” “Well, he’s got married again.” —The Wasp. August Third A daughter of Eve—for such was the widow Wadman—had better be fifty leagues off than make a man the object of her attentions when the house and all the furniture are her own. —Sterne. August Fourth What is a first love worth, except To prepare for a second? What does a second love bring? Only regret for the first. —John Hay. August Fifth If once I loved him? Dear, I cannot say; All things have changed to me since he was here; I thought to die when first he went away, And now I name his name without a tear. —Anonymous. August Sixth Is it dyin’ ye’re shpakin’ of? What would I do, An unmarried widda in mournin’ for you? —David L. Proudfit. August Seventh It is better to have courage than a wife. A man can’t have both. —Life. August Eighth The widow knows man as merely a fallible human institution and she works him for all that he is worth. —Dorothy Dix. August Ninth The instances that second marriage move Are base respects of thrift and not of love. —Shakespeare. August Tenth Faith, I thought him dead, not he! There he loves with ten-fold glee; And now this moment with his wings, I feel him tickling my heart-strings. —Cupid Swallowed. August Eleventh Court in haste but marry at leisure. —Widow’s Maxim. August Twelfth As you may find, whene’er you like to find her, One man alone at first her heart can move; She then prefers him in the plural number, Not finding that the additions much encumber. —Byron. August Thirteenth Mrs. Morris—“Since I have been married I have had only one wish ungratified.” Mr. Morris—“And what is that, dear?” Mrs. Morris—“That I were single again.” —Life. August Fourteenth The pure one loved him to the day he died, But when he died, his dearest friend she wed. —James B. Bensal. August Fifteenth “There never was a nicer woman as a widder, than that ’ere second wentur o’ mine,—a sweet cretur she was, Sammy; and all I can say on her now, is, that as she was such an uncommon pleasant widder, it’s a great pity she ever changed her condition.” —Dickens. August Sixteenth Alas! you see of how slight metal widows’ vows are made. —Chapman. [Illustration: Widows are held in such esteem, that an artificial species is cultivated, called straw, or grass widows, from their habit of making hay while the sun shines. —Dorothy Dix.] August Seventeenth It tells me how short lived widows’ tears are, that their weeping is in truth but laughing under a mask, that they mourn in their gowns and laugh in their sleeves. —Chapman. August Eighteenth But few men who have gone out to console widows have returned unscathed. —Dorothy Dix. August Nineteenth “Maids are either harmless, or will become so, but with a widow the sting is never gone.” August Twentieth The widow about to remarry is the most unselfish of mortals. She seldom thinks of number one. —Life. August Twenty-first The head and the heart in the game of love Must each play a separate part; But we’ll pardon a girl with a cold in her head, If she’ll only be warm in the heart. —Life. August Twenty-second “Do you think old maids live longer than widows?” Old maid—“It seems longer.” August Twenty-third That’s what a man wants in a wife, mostly: he wants to make sure o’ one fool as ’ll tell him he’s wise. —George Eliot. August Twenty-fourth Husbands are in heaven whose wives chide them not. —Proverb. August Twenty-fifth “No man is a romantic hero to a widow.” August Twenty-sixth The chain of wedlock is so heavy that it takes two to carry it—sometimes three. —Alex. Dumas. August Twenty-seventh “And how long have you been a widow?” “Oh, the year was up yesterday; but indeed you must give me at least a month to get ready.” When he got outside again, he murmured, “Now I know what old Weller meant.” —The Wasp. August Twenty-eighth It is mere folly for a man to underestimate the danger he runs from a widow. —Dorothy Dix. August Twenty-ninth Are you not ashamed to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course? —Shakespeare. August Thirtieth Cupid has no trouble keeping Lent; For since with flame his year is spent, He must have lots of ashes. —Puck. August Thirty-first After such years of dissension and strife, Some wonder that Peter should weep for his wife; But his tears on her grave are nothing surprising, He’s laying her dust, for fear of its rising. —Hood. [Illustration: CAPRICORNUS.] September First Was never widow had so dear a loss! —Shakespeare. September Second For she saith in her heart, I sit a queen, and am no widow and shall see no sorrow. —Rev. xviii:7. September Third “And so you are married—joined for life?” “Oh, it’s hardly that bad!” —Judge. September Fourth Parke—“Wiggson married a widow, didn’t he?” Lane—“Yes.” Parke—“I wonder how he likes her former husband?” —Puck. September Fifth She had tasted the sweets of wedded life, but somehow single blessedness, decked in the latest modes of widow’s weeds, offered her a more alluring programme. —Malcolm C. Salomon. September Sixth The dearest object to a married man should be his wife; but it is not infrequently her clothes. —Danbury News Man. September Seventh A little widow is a dangerous thing; but is there not always a fascination in dangerous things? —Malcolm C. Salomon. September Eighth Being a widow, rightly understood, gives a woman many privileges that no other woman possesses. —Dorothy Dix. September Ninth It does not matter whom you marry, for you will find next morning you have married some one else. —S. Rogers. September Tenth Whoso findeth a wife, findeth a good thing. —Proverbs. September Eleventh A young man in the West has written home: “Send me a wig.” And his fond parents don’t know whether he is scalped or married. —Danbury News Man. September Twelfth Heaven preserve you ever from that dull blessing, an obedient husband. —John Tobin. September Thirteenth “By George! if I were in your place I would apply for a divorce.” “I’d like to, but she won’t let me.” —Indianapolis Journal. September Fourteenth George Washington was rejected by at least one young lady and finally had to marry a mere widow. —Judge. September Fifteenth Divorce Lawyer—“What’s the cause, madam?” Client—“I have been married two years.” —Puck. September Sixteenth One husband on earth is worth two underground. —Widow. September Seventeenth A woman enjoys two days of happiness on earth: when she takes a husband and when she buries him. —Anonymous. September Eighteenth “Widows are witches, don’t you think?” September Nineteenth Widow Black—“Whad meks you fink he’s gwine to propose at last?” Widow Grey—“Kase I kin tell from his hungry looks and his seediness dat he cain’t suppo’t hisself much longer.” —Harper’s Bazar. September Twentieth Many overhasty widows cut their years of mourning very short and within a few weeks make post-speed to a second marriage. —Fuller. September Twenty-first Handsome widows, after a twelvemonth, enjoy a latitude and longitude without limit. —Balzac. September Twenty-second Marriage: an institution where one person undertakes to provide happiness for two. —Mme. Roland. September Twenty-third It destroys one’s nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. —Beaconsfield. September Twenty-fourth If a widower buys a new tie and it is of a bright color, his daughters begin to grow suspicious. —Atchison Globe. September Twenty-fifth “All the world loves a widow.” September Twenty-sixth “Do you think that was a fortunate marriage?” asked the minister’s wife. “Oh, yes, very!” replied the reverend gentleman; “I needed the money.” —Yonkers Statesman. September Twenty-seventh Mrs. Black—“They say he’s dreadfully henpecked.” Mrs. Dash—“Henpecked! why the man does not even dare to get a divorce.” —Harper’s Bazar. September Twenty-eighth A woman keeps her first love long if she happens not to take a second. —Rochefoucauld. September Twenty-ninth “Yes, sir, it’s a fact: that married men live longer than single ones.” “And do you know the reason, sir? The miserable wretches don’t dare die.” —Harper’s Bazar. September Thirtieth First Soubrette—“What is the cause of the divorce?” Second Soubrette—“Both intend to star next season.” —Exchange. [Illustration: AQUARIUS.] October First Maude—“Is she married?” Mabel—“No, unmarried for the fourth time.” —Harper’s Bazar. October Second Now, if you must marry, take care she is old; A troop-sergeant’s widow’s the nicest, I’m told; For beauty won’t help if your rations is cold, Nor love ain’t enough for a soldier. —Kipling. October Third Your spouse, who husbands dear hath buried seven, Stands a bad chance to make the number even. —Martial. October Fourth Marriage is a lottery; every wife does not become a widow. —I. Zangwill. October Fifth Bachelors are providential beings; God created them for the consolation of widows. —J. de Finod. October Sixth A man without a wife is but half a man. —Benjamin Franklin. October Seventh No wise man ever married; but for a fool it is the most ambrosial of all possible future states. —Byron. October Eighth Now a little widow is perilously fascinating; her very littleness constitutes an element of danger, since it coaxingly compels sympathy. —Malcolm C. Salomon. October Ninth “Sacred to the memory of my dearly beloved wife, Mary. Ditto Jane.” —Epitaph. October Tenth It is but a shallow philosophy that underrates the married state; and he who bids you avoid matrimony because he has tried it and failed, is a fool for his pains. —Malcolm C. Salomon. October Eleventh We would the widow wed; she’s old, say I, But if she older were, I would comply. —Martial. October Twelfth To be a widow is a mournful state; Delia was wise and made one moon its date. —Anonymous. October Thirteenth Your wise man will never marry his first love. —Malcolm C. Salomon. October Fourteenth From your breast you may pluck His dart, if you will, But the place where it struck Will be sensitive still. —Life. October Fifteenth Star—“I have had my diamonds stolen three times and been married four. Now what else can I do?” Manager—“You might take lessons in acting.” —Puck. October Sixteenth “A widow and her money are soon married.” October Seventeenth Widows differ; maids are all alike. October Eighteenth The law allows one husband to one wife, But wives will seldom brook the straightened life; They must have two; besides her Jack, each Jill, In spite of law and gospel, weds her will. —Exchange. October Nineteenth When one sympathizes with a widow, when one says, “Poor little woman”—one is lost. —Malcolm C. Salomon. October Twentieth She was so pious during Lent, I thought it best to shun her, So she’d have leisure to repent; But in the forty days so spent, My rival wooed and won her. —Life. October Twenty-first “Needs must when the widow drives.” October Twenty-second “Are you going to sue him for breach of promise?” “No. Dick always signed his letters ‘without recourse.’” —Life. October Twenty-third Man flattering man not always can prevail, But woman flattering man can never fail. —Marriott. October Twenty-fourth A place under government was all that Paddy wanted; He married soon a scolding wife, and his wish was granted. —Anonymous. October Twenty-fifth Why should she be condemned to wear moral sackcloth and ashes all her life because she is a widow and does not choose to marry again? —Malcolm C. Salomon. October Twenty-sixth Though marriage by some folks be reckoned a curse, Three wives did I marry, for better or worse; The first for her person, the next for her purse, The third for a warming pan, doctor and nurse. —Thomas Bastard, of Oxford. October Twenty-seventh If you’d be married, first grow young, Wear a mask and hold your tongue. —Proverb. October Twenty-eighth And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house. —I Tim. v:13. October Twenty-ninth There is a great charm in loving a woman who is versed in the lore of love and who is practiced in all the sleight-of-heart tricks of it. —Malcolm C. Salomon. October Thirtieth And there came a certain poor widow and she threw in two mites, which make a farthing. —Mark xii:42. October Thirty-first And not only idle, but tattlers also, and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not. —I Tim. v:13. [Illustration: PISCES.] November First If a man do not erect in this age his own tomb ere he dies, he shall live no longer in monument than the bell rings and the widow weeps. —Shakespeare. November Second Raillery! Raillery! madam, we’ve no animosity. We hit off a little wit now and then, but no animosity. —Congreve. November Third Not whom you marry, but how much you marry, is the real question. —Whipple. November Fourth “They tell me, Daniel, you’ve had four wives.” Daniel (proudly)—“Ess, zur, I ’ave—and what’s more, two of ’em was good ’uns!” —San Francisco News Letter. November Fifth The little widow is experienced, accessible and free, and withal fatally fascinating. —Malcolm C. Salomon. November Sixth “Haven’t you lost your wife?” inquired the gravestone agent. “Why, yes, I have,” said the man, “but no gravestone ain’t necessary; you see the cussed critter ain’t dead. She’s scooted with another man.” The agent retired. —Danbury News Man. November Seventh Give unto mine hand, which am a widow, the power that I have conceived. —Judith ix:9. November Eighth He (desperately in love)—“Don’t you think two can live as cheaply as one?” Widow (reflectingly)—“Ya-as; but I’d rather be the one.” —Puck. November Ninth Let us oppress the poor righteous man, let us not spare the widow. —Wisdom of Solomon ii:10. November Tenth Do not the tears run down the widow’s cheeks, and is not her cry against him that causeth them to fall? —Ecclesiasticus xxxv:15. November Eleventh She is a dead shot with Cupid’s arrow, and never misses her mark. —Malcolm C. Salomon. November Twelfth She was a woman without a past. Who? Eve. —Life. November Thirteenth A little widow may be a dangerous thing, but the danger is harmless. —Malcolm C. Salomon. November Fourteenth The remains of many eligible bachelors who have strayed away from their clubs and been lost have been found by their anxious friends reposing by the domestic widow’s fireside. —Dorothy Dix. November Fifteenth He evil entreateth the barren that beareth not; and doest not good to the widow. —Job xxiv:21. November Sixteenth The barrel of meal shall not waste; neither shall the cruse of oil fail. —I Kings xvii:14. [Illustration: Shall I woo the one or other? Both attract me—more’s the pity; Pretty is the widowed mother, And the daughter, too, is pretty. —Eugene Field.] November Seventeenth To the public eye the most attractive widow is the gay and frivolous one. —Dorothy Dix. November Eighteenth Among all her lovers she hath none to comfort her. —Lamentations i:2. November Nineteenth Finally, I will search for things that are little, avoiding all torch-lite processions, wimmin’s rights conventions and grass widders generally. —Josh Billings. November Twentieth How is she become as a widow! she that was great among the nations! —Lamentations i:1. November Twenty-first Neither shall they take for their wives a widow. —Ezekiel xliv:22. November Twenty-second “I want some cards printed for ‘Mrs. Carrol.’” “What’s her other name?” “Ain’t got no other; her husband’s run away and left her.” —Danbury News. November Twenty-third And all the widows stood by him weeping. —Acts ix:39. November Twenty-fourth And now a widow I must mourn, The pleasures that will ne’er return; No comfort but a hearty can, When I think on John Highlandman. —Burns. November Twenty-fifth Where is the bill of your mother’s divorcement? —Isaiah i:1. November Twenty-sixth “Ev’ybody knows there ain’ no happiness in married life till one of de contractin’ parties done ’ceasted.” —Harper’s Magazine. November Twenty-seventh Whoso shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement. —Matthew v:31. November Twenty-eighth It has been found that the only way to head off a widow is to kill it. —Dorothy Dix. November Twenty-ninth “If ever you’re attacked with the gout, sir, just you marry a widder as has got a good loud woice, with a decent notion of using it.” —Dickens. November Thirtieth Your seventh wife, Phileros, is now being buried in your field. No man’s field yields him greater profit than yours, Phileros. —Martial. [Illustration: ARIES.] December First “It behooves a husband, if he would not be forgotten, to stay alive.” December Second The most common, and perhaps the most dangerous, is the weeping widow, which may be easily distinguished by its long, flowing black veil and pensive air of melancholy. —Dorothy Dix. December Third “The widow can bake, the widow can brew, The widow can shape and the widow can sew.” December Fourth Honor widows that are widows indeed. —I Timothy v:3. December Fifth Now she that is a widow indeed and desolate, trusteth in God. —I Timothy v:5. December Sixth “Take example by your father, my boy, and be very careful o’ the widders all your life.” —Dickens. December Seventh Mrs. Peachblow—“Why does your husband carry such a tremendous amount of life insurance when he’s in such perfect health?” Mrs. Flicker—“Oh, just to tantalize me! Men are naturally cruel.” —Life. December Eighth She that is a widow is a lady. —Kent. December Ninth The particular skill of the widow has ever been to inflame your wishes and yet command respect. —Addison. December Tenth Second marriage: “The triumph of hope over experience.” —Johnson. December Eleventh Lawyer—“Incompatibility? How does this incompatibility manifest itself?” Lady—“Why, I want to get a divorce and my husband doesn’t.” December Twelfth “Thou art not the first man a widow’s love hath sent to the barber shop.” —Exchange. December Thirteenth These widows, sir, are the most perverse creatures in the world. —Addison. December Fourteenth With his dying breath he bid me never marry again till his grave should be dry, even though it should take up four days in drying. —Oliver Goldsmith. December Fifteenth Lawyer—“But, Mrs. Smith, there is absolutely no ground for a divorce.” Fair Client—“No cause? How long do you imagine it requires for one to become thoroughly tired of the name of Smith?” —Life. December Sixteenth Both here and hence, pursue me lasting strife, If, once a widow, ever I be wife! —Shakespeare. December Seventeenth None wed the second but who killed the first. —Shakespeare. December Eighteenth If I have withheld the poor from their desire or have caused the eyes of the widow to fail. —Job xxxi:16. December Nineteenth “The Bible distinctly says, ‘Ye ask and ye receive not, because ye ask amiss.’” “Then ask a widow.” December Twentieth In proportion as his passion for the widow abated and old age came on, he left off fox-hunting; but a hare is not yet safe that sits within ten miles of his house. —Addison. December Twenty-first Man proposes and the widow—accepts. December Twenty-second Come, Hurry up! Cause the widow’s heart to sing, Seal Pledge and Vow and Pleading with a Ring; Or, if Cupid’s dart has failed your Heart to flutter, To Cupid She won’t do a Thing. —Ex-Widow. December Twenty-third Are you mirthful? how her laughter, Silver sounding, will ring out! She can lure, and catch and play you, As an angler does the trout. —Anonymous. December Twenty-fourth How would you like to swap a ten-dollar pension for a five-dollar man? —Kansas Suitor. December Twenty-fifth Men dying make their wills, But wives escape a task so sad; Why should they make what all their lives The gentle dames have had? —Dryden. December Twenty-sixth Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. —Heywood. December Twenty-seventh Of old women, widows are most woeful. —Thomas Fuller. December Twenty-eighth The first moment the widow Wadman saw him she felt something stirring within her in his favor,—something, something. —Sterne. December Twenty-ninth But with a husband we demand The coin that’s current in the land. —Richard Realf. December Thirtieth In her first passion woman loves her lover; in all others, all she loves is love. —Byron. December Thirty-first “And when a widow’s in the case, You know all other things give place.” The Tomoyé Press San Francisco, Cal. *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WIDOWS GRAVE AND OTHERWISE *** Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will be renamed. 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